Ramble Writings

 I postponed my log today. Slept till afternoon. Did some poems in Erotic poem book II. Set up appointment for doctor Tomorow. Lots of dreams if my unconscious. Getting lost, losing my keys, moving back east. Walking the wrong way. Right now, all I have left is my job. paying my bills, my health issues and my writing. Hardships are exercising, losing weight, not drinking, not watching porn and smoking less. Realizing all our drugs Tio kill my physical pain and perhaps my depression. Continuing top update my wardrobe. No more jeans. Only pleated pants. Sadly, men can only wear or dress up so much compared to a woman. Another unfair advantage they have. They just keep piling up. How lucky they are and unlucky are we. They even have more confidence, and I can see why. They are the pickers, and we are the picked. This information continues to depress me. If only I had been modeled differently and this information had remained hidden how much happier I would be. I have everything I need...

 The day is done. Hospital visit, no results but some blood in urine. I feel like I shoulder apologies to God for thinking he is a woman and giving all that he gasses to the female and cutting the male short though it is true. Women say they dent owe us bit they feel we should owe them. The trick is being programmed to think of woman as objects sex objects, them benign beneath you are mainly here for your pleasure not human beings. Mot being needy or wanting of them. Then you can get all the pussy you wany ironically. For us who have had the wrong programming we are just plain screwed for life. The more | learn and understand the less hope I have, the more depressed I become. As I will probably never have a girlfriend or wife again. I will have to pay to kiss or touch a female body. Not out west have to go to Mexico for that where hopefully it will be cheaper. American girls are just too expensive.  Thinking of leaving county. Going back to the neighborhood clinics. I wish I c...

 It feels like I haven't written here for a while. It seems so long. Getting almost 100 hours on this check. Havant seen mark since I cut him off from showers and electricity. I'm not surprised. Thinking of Ella. Seem to be working up to 10,000 words easily. Flowers for Madison is the next book. not sure when it will come to frustration. Hopefully mu next milestone will be 15,000. Talked to Jeri. My obsessing has finally come to an end. My job is still secure. Hant been eating lately. Cut back my drinking to 1 glass. I'm starting to get tired of drinking or no longer have the need. My penis continues to hurt. I believe it is some kind of infection. Plan on going to hospital after work tomorrow. it seems to hurt when I pee, and my bladder fills up. I guess this is the time of my life when I get my pains. I am starting to feel distracted. IO am starting my stores with setting instead of Characters and feel this is making my stories longer. I am still using helper words only d...

 Today I started a new story, to relive my head about jimmy and heir. it's all I think about. It was good not to have a drink until I took a shower and only one drink. Thinking good will or the Hilton would be a good place for my next job. Don't think Guidone into me. Think I failed the test today. Any way she is pout of my league any way and she is dark.  Brog boobs big bitt. overweight. health problems. probably because of her wieght.50% of all my credit cards will take my next check next week. the 9th. Got to change somethings in the story to make to 19 plus. London is going to kill my cash. Might have to scale back in credit cards. It's going to be a tight end of the year. Glad I'm not going to ocean side. Good discoing. Shouldn't have gone to Las Vegas and given up airline. Oh well I went overspent on food and it's over. Since I cut off mark Oon showers and cell phone charging, I haunt seem him. Thats what I figured. No Suprise there. Hopefully I keep my jo...

I was happy to hear that step down is finding a hard yamen replacing me. met new employee today. Tall, nice ass and tits. Very Spanish and maybe a little Asian in her eyes. Very Christian. Not sure if she goes to church.  Decided this wasnt5 the week to wait drinking. Drink then takes my sequel and sleep. Had a great dream swimming at the most beautiful ocean with big waves. Told it was somewhere in the Mediterranee. It was so beautiful. Ha Dit while listening to grief meditations. still very angry. I noticed I get all giddy whenever A pretty girl wants to talk to me. Part of my affliction. I can't hello it and it saddens me greatly though it feels good like a drug. Another shipment of food. I threw out a bunch. over a week of sick time. I am very angry over jimmy stealing my post it notes. Got my rapid card but don't know how not use it. Not canceled yet. Case management promotion was definitely an ego booster for him and being part of Kylen's elite crew. I hope has happy ...

 Had the weekly meeting today. I feel I am a force in the meetings and found it hard to keep quiet. Jimmy stole my post it notes. He had no right. His core personality is coming out. Jeri Anne knocked down my idea to throw out womans belongings as I thought Sahe would. Wanted her permission before I did it for fear of repercussions even though Mike reentered company policy. Mike seems to have something against me. Maybe me wanting more responsibility and taking a lead at work. I would have no problem with him taking over the pest control. My wrist hurts when I yes it. My penis still hurts from time and time again. At over 10,000 weirds with the Owners. I got to 10,000 quick. Not exactly dead and without story yet. Who knows maybe I can make it to 15,000. No vacations till March. Credit cards getting massed again. it's a good thing I canceled Oceanside. Shouldn't have gone to Las Vegas that cost me over a $1000 but it's down and only $250n was gambled away. Threw away three ...

 Today I went shopping. Spent $237 and didn't feel like I bought anything. Besides alcohol. California. good thing I don't eat or buy a lot of fresh meat, steak, chicken, fish or hot fogs. I was very angry yesterday and can see my money and cash slowly eroding away. Good thing I canceled the Oceanside trip or otherwise I'd be really hurting. My credit score went up to 609,15 Credit inquires. Finished writing chapter two on new story and summarized chapter one and the beginning of new story. Though have no idea how to start chapter three. very good beginning. Of course, I didn't start with a picture. Well, I did. Then added a setting. then went back to the picture. Still very angry against woman and my sister. Woman for not liking me as much as them and God giving them so much and men so little. Also, at my sister for not letting me grow up naturally like she was allowed to. Have to work on not being the disgruntled employee. Got a hug from Kristina today. Her breasts lo...

 Today I wasn't feeling well. Trying to accept that whatever job I get. That there will be no advancement possible because of my life, my lack of being liked, driver's license, education, politics or a sort of other things I am not even aware of. I do believe my having seasonal depression is because I am not on east coast, have a girlfriend and/or family. Something else I have to accept. I am not taking another vacation until February. Time to pay off my credit cards, stash cash, pay off Hilton vacations and pay for hotel in Portland. Figure $1500 for expenses like in Las Vegas. No Vodka tonight. Time to hit the brand and maybe then they egg nag with the other brandy. Haven't item a Blog in a few days. Threw three shirts away and two pairs of underwear. Setting up Xray and returning pants for wends. two more days until my two days off. Not feeling good today maybe because of soup in frigerated for a week. maybe. Trying to break up with Mark. Gutta distracted.

 My depression is back after I sobered o . Dont know why I am so depressed. Perhaps its the season. The beautiful people I see. How girls and expensive clothes. I feel so small, washed up and small. so unworthy compard to the people i see. Back in Santa Barbara I feel so much more bigger and in charge. My self esteem goes beyond zero. Im really not sure what it is. I was happy at first then thigs crashed. I had to buy alcohol which made me feel better. Shopping. hopefully the foot spa will make me better. leavein this blog open for any other thoughts.U am free from my depression for the moment. No more vacations besides oceanside in Novemeber. and  Portland in March canceled oceanside for thanksgiving. charged one night. saved $500 in hotel, uber, food  and trian costs. It was the right desicion. Closing this out. got in pool. still depressed. dont understand it or expalin it except that im alone with no friends and everybody else looks better, rich and prettier.

 I am si depressed. I am in Las Vegas and is sad. ber is si expensive at night. Yet that the best time. want to a Asini the other night and lost my $20 quick. going to the other casino I did better at later tonight Safari or Sahara. Typing on m small Microsoft laptop. Found out my wrist band screws me up. Can't get rid of the dread. waiting until 10:30 for lynch then 1:00pm for presentation and seeing what my $200 coupon covers. at be a foot massage. broke down Nd bought vodka a=nd Kaliha. Gad a drink=k this n=morning. Buying Kalah and vodka when I get back. I have to admit my addiction to alcohol makes me feel better then my addiction to porn. If this is what I have to do to make e happy what's wrong with that? I'm not hurting anyone, and it hooks me, =. What's wrong with that. If my depression ended, I could quit drinking. It gets e through the day.

Mmark is here again. in announced he is worst then a woman. Carrying all his shit around in a cart. Got my $100 back. Gambling money. Thinking again of Salt Lkae city for Christmas. I book and cancel the hotel. I haunt booked the plane flight thought it is pretty cheap. Not quite ready to make a commitment. Maybe I can just stay in my hotel room for three days. I think the airport, getting a uber and going through check in is the hardest part. I have my bag packed already and ready to go. Only need to buy cigarettes. I am amazed at these homeless people and I mamoty surprised they are where they are, and CS is taking all this training and meetings to try to house them. It's really a waste of time in my opinion. A lot of them don't want the help or our incapable of receiving it. My wrist still hurts, and I wonder what would have happened if I didn't have insurance. I know it's my fault for my getting his insurance information. Calling the police, etc. I don't like ho...

 Starting this juvenal with contusing anger of females. Jealousy of what god gave them and they don't eve appreciate. How we are supposed to suck up to them and kiss their ass with ought even douching their ass. Mark sound's disgusting when he is around Kristina the same way Jason was. Yes, they get the girls but at what cost. If I could turn off my desire for woman I would in a moment. I am thinking of considering a prostitute. Maybe in Las Vegas.  or here. just to touch one and fee their body. their ass. their breasts. their vagina. eat perhaps. Sex besides that is just not worth the cost or the work. Especially with men being expected to perform and give them orgasms when they only provide a body. I can picture me just asking a prostitute to touch, kiss, suck on her breasts feel them, finger her, eat her and enjoy her body with no penetration from my penis. to me everything else is better than penetration. I am so sad and so angry Ia could scream. It hurts so much. The slig...

 I feel it is now a necessity to write my journal. Applied for my passport. 6 keels. Worked with Fanya today. six figure income. I can't compete with that half my age. Even my redhead gene won't help. I feel I am just tunning out the clock since I was born a male. Bad programming. I can see it so much as I look back, I was doomed from the beginning. I'd been okay with a pussy but without I'm dead in the water. Gaining weight as well. I am writing at work and kills the boredom. The door knocked me very 5 minutes until Danile came very frustrating. I am ready to turn in the towel but must keep moving and yes i am already very tired. Can't imagine living until 94 like this. Passport for 10 years. Can't a imagine what I'll look like in 10 years. Maybe I can get me a girlfriend in Mexico. And seriously thinking of a prostitute so i can remember how feels to touch a woman, her breasts, her ass, and her pussy.  Dint feel like I really even need sex. Eat her poesy m...

 Today passed I seem to be getting by for work for my sleep. Atwork, maybe it is because I didn't need as much sleep at night before I go to work. Perhaps I am too scared at night to sleep. and prefer the afternoon. I seem to be gaining weight. Today was quite peaceful it is better for me to do writing at work. The days seem better. Mark stopped by with Kristina. My house is a mess. I have felt a lot of anger and resentment from watching Asian poor. Thru breasts are so pretty. They didn't seem to understand why porn is so requested or so they said. a Weser is simple. Women have choice and are so damn picky on who Theil let fuck them that men are starving. It is their fault. I saw a video that blamed men for there impotency because so weren't having enough sex with woman. Like it's their fault woman won't let them fuck them. It just grows and grows. I am working on mm y story Rhonda Jame sand it seems to be going further then my last story. I believe at over 10,000 w...

 Today was better. Writing story Rhonda James at work. Makes time go better. Got bed bug day switched to Monday. My esteem is better my ego. Talked to Kylen about my Case management essay. Sheened reading it and was not very pleased. Nor was Jeri. I could tell by the look on her face she read it and wasn't happy. Oh well. She can go to her wasteless training. My ego is better thanks to my not pay raise that really means little. But my added duties. Me always buttoning up my t shirt also makes me feel better. ate chicken soup for today's now at work and one cup of coffee. It was a good day. Lots of phone calls.  My writing helped. Screw the donations. Cleaned the office mentioned it to mike not that he cared. He didn't like me changing the bug pest control clean out. Nobody likes to change. Almost out of Kaliha going to get Passport application rather Saturday. Things are coming up. Elia wants to see me again. I upset her at the party, and she has since recovered. |I am lear...

 Today was different then yesterday. My ego got built up as Jeri told me I be taking over jimmies duties in maintence, bug day and ordering.I also did some shopping. Forgot the book for aveline. There is some discord between Abigail and Arron. i can see Aaron quiting before Abagial is fired. Thinking about Vegas. More responsibility means more than I can fail or fuck up. The weekends are really bad and will probaly continue to dobe so. I dont see any change in that. I feel las vegas will be hard. I am off with my new schedule. May look again at booking a hotel and going away. Maybe nbot as far as sMinnipolis.. Paid $2000 on my Ussa credit card. Kylen was sitted right next to me and acted like |I wasa there until she noticed me and closed her computer. She alksao had to play with something and changed her hair muptiple times/ She would really be at a long with short hair. Dora will be leaiving nnext week no real loss there. I really think that Mike was offered himmies task first tha...

 Today was horrible. I couldn't sleep again last night. Not drinking. smoking too much work on new story A Nnewi kind of Family. got to 10,000 words already. Mark came over iron 5 shirts for $20 2.50 a shirt. Watched and liked porn movies all day. Watched the full of one and partial of another. Taking a subequal tonight to sleep. For some reason can't sleep at night. Thought about taking a bike ride to the beach and decided against it. Didn't go grocery shopping this week, Going to Las Vegas next week. Don't really want to. Don't really want to do anything really. I'm depressed. Was very upset yesterday and felt like crying. Think I was drinking to cover up pain. Dint really need to drink every day. Washed clothes. Jeans. My dress for success plan is on scruple. Try out all shirts and get rid of nay that I cannot button to the collar excluding the collar. Then after that sometime after that and getting used to wearing my shirts like that I will move up to wearin...

 I quit drinking today, believing that it has affected my sleep pattern. It's going to be hard not drinking. every day after work since I have done it since I moved in. I am still very hurt over how everyone seems to on a higher level than me. Though I serum to be the person that comes up with all the ideas. That'll stop. I was hurt with Abaigail being put on the Amazin card account for really little reason Thay I felt like crying. Jimmy is all gunshot after no triaging thinking he is some expiry at case management and needs more time doing his job. He'll learn. Kulen now joins all the leadership meetings. I can see her walking a little taller. Her ego got bumped while mine continues to gut torn down. It's a story I have lived my whole life and is repeated again and again no matter what job i get or industry I work in. It hurts all the same and doesn't change. Starting to not look forward to the one on ones with Jeri. They really are a waste of time. In my opinion. ...

 Today is over and it is a relieve. Good points of the day are two awesome hugs from Aveline. Nice really nice titties/breasts. I know the love has nothing to do with sex. I am now just a word from the women. The hugs and feeling her nice breasts pressed against mt Ches t was still nice though. Rhonda was a problem. Can't believe she actually thought a would want to fuck her. Aveline yes, Jessica yes Rhonda definitely not. It was very upsetting to hear that Abilgail also has access to the amazon account. I can see things in a better light. Though it is time. i have been there a year. A year is the time frame when everything becomes clear. My wight as an employee is worthless no matter how many ideas, I give the company for the sole reasons that I am not from the program and that I do not possess a college degree. Can we say strike One. Except that I cannot get a job using my brain more, seeing naked woman, hugging woman and//or making more money. O am at a dead end again. The reaso...

 Today was again different then yesterday inmany ways. Today was my 1 year anniverssy. Danyielle the new girl started today. Black girl of ixed races. red hair gene. Family from Louisana. Lots in common. big breasts. Big butt. Very very pretty eyes. For some odd stangew reason I felt I coulod talk to her forever. Very6 satrange. Its a good thing we wont be working together. Might not ever see her again which could be  a good thing. Way too miuch in common or to talkm about over several subjects. Going to las vergas soon. Everything else about the same. Feeling the need to do less. Put pout less clothing. Got a hug from Ashely which was real nice. Ashleyt is a real nioce hugger. Im sure Danyille would be as well. She has a sister named Madison. maddie dfor sure more in common. Tommorow is Sunday and m last day for the week. Maybe I should migrate to Birmingham. Thats a thought  Or even Savannah. Her sister lives in NY in a 250 square studio half my size studio.Tried the me...

 Today I feel the world has changed again. I am glad every day is a new day. I hope for that and glad for that. Reading more and watching Netflix more. Both things that take care of my boredom. I feel my mind is often not at rest. I am thinking go a tie. First, I must button my shirt to the next to last button and get comfortable with that. In 10 years, I want to leave California. Mu biggest and longest goal. I'll be 66 years old... Almost ready to take out my social security. I am figuring no less Thern $50,000 in cash. $25,000 in Credit. I know I will have to give away almost all of my belongings. Except my clothes. I am going to try to drink my water. One cup of coffee and then water. I had one coffee cup of water today. My vacation list is paid and complete till March of next year. I know after each vacation my thoughts and goals will change. I am trying to live ion the present while looking for the future. I am jealous of jimmy not of his life though of his popularity. Hus pro...

 Today was a bad day. Sore ass. soft shut and couldn't wait until the day were over and I could return home. Realizing that the crew Jeri, Kylen, maybe Sydney thinks very little of me or lack of intelligence. Trying to say in my lane. Stay to the desk. it's hard. Watched some Netflix. read some story. Called Oxnard. Called doctor. I need to change my sleep pattern. Pila drank a lot of water. I hate drinking water. Don't think I really want to write. Part of me is fighting against it. Seriously thin king of upgrading to a tie. Ass dildoes work better then water or enemas. I must be going through something but don't know what it is. Getting rid of he said she said is very good at changing my writing. My trip for Las Vegas is [ado far. My troop to ocean side is paid for except the hotel. My Portland trip is paid for except for the hotel. I feel each trip will be good. And change something inside of me as I knock things done. Think I should go to Kentucky. i wonder and kind...

 I didn't get much sleep last night. slept 2 hours awake for a half hour. no nap no alcohol. Starting to re write stories. More showing than telling. Learning little tricks. Applied and sent transcripts to Oxnard college. Easier than I thought. Got a pay raise. I am now at 48.000 a year. I don't need the ego boosters anymore. Really, I don't. Mark is being a pain. I feel sorry for Jimmy. I really do and the people has getting to case manage which is real way too quick. I don't really think it was all Jeri. Or all Jimmy threatening to leave. He is the star and very popular like at high school with the program people. He is already feeling the stress. No more fantasy football question is how long his ego will hold him up and how long before he breaks. My new goals remain unchanged. save $5000 a year. 10 years that $50,000 for retirement plus my 401 k. Two troops a year. My first is Portland. I just paid for my sleeper car to Portland. It's done. I am taking the train ...