October 3, 2024

 Today was a bad day. Sore ass. soft shut and couldn't wait until the day were over and I could return home. Realizing that the crew Jeri, Kylen, maybe Sydney thinks very little of me or lack of intelligence. Trying to say in my lane. Stay to the desk. it's hard. Watched some Netflix. read some story. Called Oxnard. Called doctor. I need to change my sleep pattern. Pila drank a lot of water. I hate drinking water. Don't think I really want to write. Part of me is fighting against it. Seriously thin king of upgrading to a tie. Ass dildoes work better then water or enemas. I must be going through something but don't know what it is. Getting rid of he said she said is very good at changing my writing. My trip for Las Vegas is [ado far. My troop to ocean side is paid for except the hotel. My Portland trip is paid for except for the hotel. I feel each trip will be good. And change something inside of me as I knock things done. Think I should go to Kentucky. i wonder and kind of look forward to Las Vegas. Not sure if I still want to cancel it or not. My relationship with Pila seems to be progressing. Still don't feel a connection and pretty sure she doesn't either. Leaning more about her. She is not a lesbian. as previously thought.  Still not realizing or coming to grips or know when I come home its alone. Still bothered by mark. My mind at work isn't the same yet. Still have a way to go. Jeri was surprised I took unitive toward Frankie and dad the bathrooms cleaned prior rot her telling me which was a good thig=ng. She was surprised. Which tells me her thoughts and feeling. Do I make things happen with Sydney or is that just how it looks. It could be just a Caidence or maybe not. I do make more than I have in my entire life. $48,000 a year. I can't leave California. I may be here for another 10 years. My books will continue. My vacations except for a vacation day here or there maybe to Oceanside. my new place can continue. I want to go to a place I have never been before. Ti sees the area. The people and or course the hotels. San Jose is still on my list as is San Deigo as well as Ako poco and Tiajuana/. I am continuing with my current tapes. Wondering how I will feel after I get my passport and my trips of this year. Or when I received my passport. my change my plans Tomeica or even a cruise to Mexico when I receive it.

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