October 16, 302

 My depression is back after I sobered o . Dont know why I am so depressed. Perhaps its the season. The beautiful people I see. How girls and expensive clothes. I feel so small, washed up and small. so unworthy compard to the people i see. Back in Santa Barbara I feel so much more bigger and in charge. My self esteem goes beyond zero. Im really not sure what it is. I was happy at first then thigs crashed. I had to buy alcohol which made me feel better. Shopping. hopefully the foot spa will make me better. leavein this blog open for any other thoughts.U am free from my depression for the moment. No more vacations besides oceanside in Novemeber. and  Portland in March canceled oceanside for thanksgiving. charged one night. saved $500 in hotel, uber, food  and trian costs. It was the right desicion. Closing this out. got in pool. still depressed. dont understand it or expalin it except that im alone with no friends and everybody else looks better, rich and prettier.

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