October 7, 2024

 I quit drinking today, believing that it has affected my sleep pattern. It's going to be hard not drinking. every day after work since I have done it since I moved in. I am still very hurt over how everyone seems to on a higher level than me. Though I serum to be the person that comes up with all the ideas. That'll stop. I was hurt with Abaigail being put on the Amazin card account for really little reason Thay I felt like crying. Jimmy is all gunshot after no triaging thinking he is some expiry at case management and needs more time doing his job. He'll learn. Kulen now joins all the leadership meetings. I can see her walking a little taller. Her ego got bumped while mine continues to gut torn down. It's a story I have lived my whole life and is repeated again and again no matter what job i get or industry I work in. It hurts all the same and doesn't change. Starting to not look forward to the one on ones with Jeri. They really are a waste of time. In my opinion. Finding out that Curtis as a favor is costing me too much money. I'm sure he gets paid by other people. I am starting to drink more water and have drunk more water in the last 24 hours probably then I have in the past three months. I am sure that the alcohol is helping. My work on the bus rider will soon be coming to an end. I am really tired of going over and over that story. Using word read aloud feature more and can hear my writing is better at time and others well still better just not as good. I wrote over 4000 words today and was finally able to get some sleep. Seriously thinking again of paying $200 or probably $300 in Santa Barbara versus Tennessee to feel a girl's pussy and a breast in my hands and mouth. It's been so long. I feel this curse being unfulfilled is more of a punishment then anything. The hugs help as well as seeing the woman every day. I know i not at all liked like Jimmy. Popular or anything. Not sure if it's because I smell bad, give off bad vibes or don't shave every day. Or a mix of all three. Vegas is week after next. Instead of looking forward to the experience. I am waiting for it to be over. Not looking forward to Oceanside either. I would cancel it if I could. It seems I have lost my |Merrick Bank credit card through no fault of my own. I feel hurt and slighted again. The piano just contuses. Feeling really hurt and there is nothing I can do about it. I am very emotional right now and want to cry. Merrick bank was the last straw.