Ramble Writings

 There have been some changes, I felt after the bike accident. I have all this junk, anger, jealous over Jimmy being promoted to case manager. I'm up in the morning though I feel tired now. I made an appointment to see my doctor. I think a lot has happened in my mend of subconscious between the time I started doing my journals, self-therapy, anger netters. I no longer have the anger up front with woman. Jealousy yes. Desire yes. depression and sadness yes. Regret yes. I have decided that after Vegas and Ocean side. Just two trips a year. It has been gunning a habit that I dent need. First because I was homeless 2nd because of stepdown, having a day off and drinking. Now I have days off and can drink. My next 3 trips I have planned our bucket list and to check out the area. Since I haven't been to oceanside in over 24 years. Not needing to carry a bottle to the hotel not saying I won't. But not needing to and stay drunk and sleep will be different. It will I believe bring ch...

 They called it a game. It was a form of pity. A consolation prize. It was a secret. Tell no one. They wouldn't understand. This helps me have sex with your mother. The stories differ but the results are the same. Let me use your undeveloped body for my pleasure. I am older, stronger, more powerful. Your Mother trusts me. i can tell her lies about you. She'll believe me over you. You have no idea what you're talking about. Do what |I ask, and I'll give you presents. It'll end soon. It never ends though does it. It last for as long as there have access and power over you. Be it physical, emotional, mental or financially. It doesn't really matter. You are the child. The younger, weaker tone. Yiu think of murder, escape. Neither ever happens. You are imprisoned forever. The thoughts, the feelings, the memories. Always thinking ahead. Thinking of the future, thinking of an escape. No matter where you go, where you are. You'll never be safe. In the shower, in the...

 Mark came over and stayed half the night. He got me to thinking about cruises and Bahamas packages. Which were over $3000 a person. It got cold. turned on the heater. i was doing pretty good and then started feeling depressed as I looked for  palace to go in June. Prices were all inflated. Weighed myself and found out I gained weight. made a drink, the last of the kalua and dropped the bottle in the trash can some broke. Started to edit Lilly and take out the Lilly's. thy are so many. It got boring quick. Started thinking about work and started having imaginary conversations with Kylen. Jimmy was Jeri's favorite, and she talked to him more than she ever did me. I saw it from the very beginning. It was almost a grantee he would be on the homeless side long. I could do case managing myself on the side at least with the county and city list. Don't know about the vouchers. I'm sure it's just as simple. i have been in dead end jobs my whole life because of my lack of an...

 Today I am making some changes and had a good morning compared to most. Starting a routine, not that it is the best, but it is a routine. Realizing I real don't need to buy any more food and am dreading when USAA comes due. not sure if i will pay the whole thing off or part of it. I need to cut down my credit card debit. I have also put Portland Oregon on the list for march train ride included. Will do further planning after Las Vegas. My mind is jumping from one thing to the other as event s of the day happened. Was very upset yesterday seeing Alias hugged Miriana without a bra and just a t shirt and shorts then today Crazy Doug had Juanita's interest and they talked for at least for an hour. Crazy and old people can seem get the attention of pussy while I for some reason cannot. It is totally unequal. Las Vegas in October. Ocean side in November, Sandiego for new eve and Portland fort march. Which includes a train ride and a flight back. Thinking of Nuying mu own paper plate...

 I didn't write a journal yesterday I was too upset with Jimmy getting promoted over me again. Drank woke took a pill and went back to sleep. Got some Goodnews in the mail today. It was my new surge credit card. Seems they decided against canceling it after I told them to. And sent me a new card. Increases my credit and I loser only $400 with credit obedient really want to lose it back to $12000 in credit. Been taking a break from meditations except for Grieg affirmations. Hut the pretty hard last week. Feel the relationship between me and Jeri is changing. Drifting apart. Went to Robert about the means closet and got him motivated it seems. It was a mess. I'm sure he didn't like that. It's one of those days I really don't want to write here but other things and places. Like the other day. Taking a day off isn't really a good thing. One day gone is one day lost. Got my hair cut. More soup. ate a poor pie. burnt. Trying to look forward to Vegas. Taking 1 $1000 cr...

 Last day off. It was a real wild one Sunday night and yesterday. To the point I didnt listen to my neditations last night. Giving myself a much-deserved break. Took candle back. Think I like the opther cnadle better maybe A crackle on this time. I am, not sure if I am becominh accustomed to my new apartment yet I do have it decorated. Plenty of food. Its the time of getting off of work, arrving home and 6:00pm that is hyrting me now. Dinner and when John came home that still bothers me. It will probaly always. Would like to write to get out my anger but I also have the need to be published and heard that is important. All the while realising I am not that good od a writer. Im a story teller. O can weave a tale, create settings, character and then I hurry, hurrt, hutty. I wish I could slow down. But perhaps I never can. I notice these things about me. I didnt want or need a drink today though I thought about it as a form of habit. Not that I craved the alcogol. in itself. I really ...

 Today or rarer last night was very upsetting and stressful. First with the many different dreams I had following myself therapy work. My journals and anger notes and understanding what happened with my girlfriends and why I can't seem to get any anymore. It was my sister and families' fault. They ruined me for life.  Yes, you can blame your parents. No matter what anyone says and you caregivers. They shall carry the pain, hurt, abuse and damage they did to me to the grave. It is not always an insure of forgiveness. It is more of an issue of understanding and letting go of the anger you have against them. Freeing yourself from it. You can never into the damage they did. They are ingrained like any other computer program. Trust me I have tried to reprogram myself for decades. You can do a little, but a lot cannot be changed. The woman basically in my childhood and family destroyed me for any future woman. Any possible like of love, sex and happiness. They ruined me. Treating so...

  Thursday September 19 th   Today was more of an ordinary day then most except my typing has gone crazy and I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like writing about john and don’t want to. I feel better after I recovered from yesterday.    I am not looking forward to the weekend. Yes, I am hateful toward Abilgail for getting the job and know the only reason is because she has a master's degree. Not because she is a woman, black or a lesbian. I am not thinking of retiring in Puerto Rico. Going there is such a long flight. Just for a week and even more expensive. Guam is out. I applied or rather filled out the form for my passport today and printed out the documents which was a surprise that I did it except of just thinking about it. It is hotter today then yesterday. Feel doing this work is better then writing porn and feel less need to masturbate. Also listening to panic, grief and inner child meditation is helping. Favoring Christina crazy lately over Rhonda and s...

  Wednesday September 18, 2024 This is my third day of journal writing. I am doing this right after work. Want to make this a daily activity currently instead of jumping into a story. Fix my drink, put pizza in oven and cigarette. And write. I am stuttering again with my self-therapy. Wrote about Bridget last night. Wanted too pukka but couldn’t. New phone too expensive. Iron bike with two headlights too heavy. Today felt like a Monday. Realize I have a hard time sitting down. Sitting still. Now I feel safe here. Not sure if I’m going away for Christmas or new year realizing or trying to accept that things about me will never change or think that I can change them. Melody baker is back surprised I goth federal housing before her. She is ore disabled then me and ore of a veteran. Feel Jeri’s idea won’t work case management is never there now. She has grand plans. Abigail is a joke. Need to get away from pictures but can I really. I’m feeling about writing angry letters to john, bu...

  Tuesday September 17, 2024 This is the second day of journal writing. I have made many changes since yesterday. Worked on the bus ride. It is a mess. I cannot redo my writing. It is just messed up. Chris came over and put my desk together. Navy federal paid. Downloaded my pictures from google photos and made them my screen saver. Trying to stop desensitizing my way from woman. The bigger desk is much better. Am even thinking of using the google photos as props for writing instead of woman. It is a thought. Drank some last night. Realizing I don’t feel as sick or poop as much or have diarrhea or soft stool as I did at stepdown. Living there was killing me. Took a bike ride last night to the beach. Still researching new electric bikes and Samsung fold 6 phones. Almost made plans to Florida for Christmas. Thought of Hawaii and even Puerto Rico. I have a $350 credit with southwest. Not as much as I thought. That flight to Virginia was cheap. My get away to Las Vegas and Oceanside i...

  Monday September 16, 2024 Today is the first day of my journal for the year 2024. It’s been a long time since I wrote a journal. I plan on going back to correct at least misspellings. A lot of rules will be written in this first post. I will try to make each post at least a page of thoughts and the goal is to do this daily as part of my self-therapy. I am still trying to quit smoking cigarettes. Quit drinking every day. I am also trying to accept that my writing prose will always include sex at least right now. That looking at pictures and poems on occasions are ingrained in me like being a nice guy and not attractive to woman. Maybe in a couple of years I will get a prostitute just so I can touch a woman, kiss, suck on her breasts, stick my finger in her pussy, taste a pussy once again. It has been at least 15 years since I had any type of sex with a woman. When I become impotent, I will blame on woman not wanting to have sex with me. I am starting to work on my anger issues. ...

 It all started with my sister. And Patricia. This an extra journal after writing about jJrnny.Looking at my memories and wonder what went wrong. remembering that Jenny did like me in the beginning just like Wendy liked me in the beginning. How my sister ruined me with my mother. And my family. I wasn't normal and wasn't allowed to grow up naturally. I wasn't allowed to grow up naturally. i was imprisoned instead. Not sheltered but imprisoned. More so. I was not allowed to grow up as a boy, a male or a man. I only sought out the future. Tomorow hoping and thinking I would be free. not realizing not, I would never be free until I died. Perhaps that is why I do not fear death but look forward to it. I was fucked up when I met Jenny. not knowing I could touch her ass, touch her breasts or put my hand down her pants like or when she expected me too. Then when the time was over. I didn't know it was over and still wanted her love. her kisses mostly. With Wendy, she wanted me...

  Jennifer Jenny, my dearest Jenny. You were the first girl I kissed. The first girl I really loved. You taught me so much and yet I was so far beneath you in so many ways. Oh, how I loved kissing you from the first time at the party to the very last in the classroom. I still wanted you after the party ended. Looking at your necklace around your neck that was so old. You made me a sandwich at your house. I Saw you at friendly's with that nothing of a boy and wanted you still then with your head shaved. This isn't as much as about you as it is about me. You were more intelligent, more experience. In kissing dating, skiing. Intelligence. I took you to dinner at the burn bra theater to see name and you ignored me. Why were you so mad. Because the dating game was over and now we were just friends. No matter if I bought the tickets or not. You ignored me and avoided. That what was hurt the most. You were the only girl at that time that had gone after me. We were both writers. I am s...

  Patricia I don't remember the first time we met or in saw you. I do remember the last. You used to come over my house to my room. Remember your family being darker skin maybe Spanish like Leo. I don't remember your last name. You Lived down the street from my court I do remember that. I don't remember us kissing. I do remember that time when I asked you to take off your bathing suit. Sop we must have been swimming.  You didn't want to as you had on a one piece. So im sure we did it before. When you didn't. I took my pants down showing you how easy and quick it would be.Then my FUCVKING sister opened the door without knocking and saw me with my pants down. Then I had to keep the door open from then on. I had started a fire ion the house and my mother said I could come outside and play with you or you rather inside so no one would ever know I wasn't still punished. Then you disappeared. Those are my only memories of you. I remember you like it was yesterday. The...

  John You married my mother not me.Yet You seemed to think in marrying my mother you had the right to molest me. You didn't. You had no right. You damaged me beyond repair, following up on the job that Bridget and my grandmother started. You had a nice job, credit and a new car every year. Nice houses to live in and even money from my great aunt that I never got. You not only ruined me you ruined my life. You like all abusers couldn't be bailed out or talked out of the abuse you inflicted onme.My sister and mother didn't help in programming me to accept any abuse that was inflicted on me in their house. They didn't protect me like they should have and allowed you to do what you did as they hated and disliked me as much as you. I remember you pushing me down on your cock and me fighting back. You use an excuse like bridget. It was the fishing tournament I didn't win a prize.That was your excuse for molesting me.So many things, sao many abuses and molestations.I true...

  Bridget Bridget, you were my sister's friend and my abuser. You played a game or rather invented a game called “Bride”. Putting on a veil of my mother's found on an old brown stand. Was I 5 06 maybe 7. You had me sucked on your flat chested nipples. The only thing I actually enjoyed. So much in fact I left a mark. You wouldn't kiss me or suck my little dick though you expected me to go between your legs and lick your hairy pussy. Probably the reason I don't like hair on vaginas now. My memories are vague though I remember you wanting me to fuck you, but I was to too young to get hard or excited. You weren't that pretty. You were probably 10 or 11. You wouldn't suck on my chest. So, I tried to hurt myself. I was at that time were myself mutilation began with the Thermarator and needle in my penis. You were the cause of that. Always asking me ask my mother to have you babysit me instead of helen so you could abuse me. You brought Anna over and had me take down m...

  Dawn Dawn, I was only a child when I was born. A male child. A innocent child. I never meant to inflict myself on your life or be a burden to you. I am sorry you weren't an only child as I am sorry, I wasn't an only child. We would have both been a lot happier. I am sorry I wasn't born a girl. That would have made not only you, our mother though also our father. I know I wasn't wanted by any of you. Mom tried her best, not you. I believe you resented me the most. Ot seemed I had caused you great pain when i was born. Perhaps, O injured you in a past life. You were the princess of the kingdom and now you had to share with me. A mere boy. A male child. You treated me so badly and i only wanted your love. Like so many others. You made fun of me, you ridicule me. You caused me more pain then I can even remember. You put me down with all your friends. No matter how I matured, grew or aged. I was still a child to you. A pest. You even told me that I was adopted. I loved you...

 Is the third day. Mu last day of work. for the week. I'm out of vodka. My astray came. I find my cigarettes smoking comforting. My alcohol a way to get ready for my nap and after I wake up is a new day and I don't feel like drinking. Call me an alcoholic and by definition I am but it took me a long way to get here and it's not like I can't stop. at the moment I just don't want too., Started another story no sex yet less night. I am more than ready for my 2 days off. The first four were hell. I did a lot of work least night and dreamt a lot of tiring dreams. it seems like my subconscious was struggling and fighting new things even though the dreams weren't fighting dreams There was definitely a lot of struggles that I felt and very tiring. I felt tided in my dream and didn't wake up feeling rested at all. Listening to my new set of meditations is working very well as well as the writing therapy. Overtime these journals may not be as long I feel and well not ...

 Today is my second for blogger. Today was hard. I realize now my porn, stories, pictures and masturbation is a result of my trying not to feel my pain. Burying my addiction, feelings and abuse. I feel I must fight against it in all I do. And can. On another note, someone called at work and said they were qualified. i felt like asking them who qualified them. And if they are indeed qualified, why are they homeless. The more I see these people the more I believe that they don't want to be housed.  Just like most smokers, drinkers and druig addicts do not want to quit thier addiction. Money, health or sickness isnt enough  reasons for them to quit. They know they are going to die anyway. Why die miserable when they can die happy. Good point. If you follow their logic. A;; three were doomed when they took the first drag of the ciggereyye that first high from that drug. And alcoholic when he found he felt better drinking then when he didnt. I dont exactly feel better with dri...

 Today starts mt new journal, on blogger. I lost my last few days on word. Today I realize I need to stop drinking every day. I tried an anger letter to john, and it didn't go well and kept going back to my sister and mother. It's not that I don't feel anger. Maybe it's more that I have more anger and hold the woman more responsible than the men. There are of course more men. My penis is starting to hurt again. The process is working and is good. i did my essay on housing the homeless. I find myself bored and need to find my mind occupied more and more. It is becoming harder to concentrate on this writing and becoming distracted by one thing or another. My mind began to open and feel then it closed.  Continuing to work on grief and panic meditations. Decided that I am going to stop doing morning announcements as I can see that the woman is ignoring me. Christine claims she is a virgin and perhaps she is against men and sex but has a picture of her so-called platonic boy...