Journal September 24, 2024

 Last day off. It was a real wild one Sunday night and yesterday. To the point I didnt listen to my neditations last night. Giving myself a much-deserved break. Took candle back. Think I like the opther cnadle better maybe A crackle on this time. I am, not sure if I am becominh accustomed to my new apartment yet I do have it decorated. Plenty of food. Its the time of getting off of work, arrving home and 6:00pm that is hyrting me now. Dinner and when John came home that still bothers me. It will probaly always. Would like to write to get out my anger but I also have the need to be published and heard that is important. All the while realising I am not that good od a writer. Im a story teller. O can weave a tale, create settings, character and then I hurry, hurrt, hutty. I wish I could slow down. But perhaps I never can. I notice these things about me. I didnt want or need a drink today though I thought about it as a form of habit. Not that I craved the alcogol. in itself. I really dont need to drink. I use it during that bad period so I wont hurt myself. Or feel the pain of long long ago. Whats wrong with that really? Im not really abusing it but instead using it. I wonder now is living here any different then being homeless. Its a lot better then step down. I pay out less money or buy things. I look forward to my days off and know I dont have to leave Santa Barbara. Which is hard since I ve always wantewd to leave except MD and virginia. Those places I was forced. I wanted to leave Tennesse, Louisana, and Florida for one reason or another. When I was here the other two times I didnt want to leave. Circumstances forc ed me to. Maryland and Virginia I doidnt feel I had no other choice. I did. I didnt see them and the leaving mode kicked in because of housing or jobs. I am noticing my writing , what IU say and write is different. There are things I dislike about Santa Barbara. Mexicans, cold ocean water, bowling alley not close by. Expensive food prices Can I say I wouldnt have the same complaints in Richmond? Not food or rent but bwling alley or people. Trying to accept that this is where I might have to be. For now anyway. I would move with my voucher or if I was offered a job making more money that would cover my rent. A girl, a wife. Would love to get married again just not a schizohrenic who wasnt medicated. Or any crazy girl who wasn't medicated. Or a drug addict. I like that my thoughts are different it means I am growing with lots to say. It means progress. I have $5000 in my accounts and close to $8000 in credit. more than I have ever had in my entire life besides when I had my settlement. It is quite amazing. Hopefully I can save $10,000 a yea. That is my goal. I gave up two credit cards this year. My next ones i want to get rid of is premier and will let Merrick cancel me because of nonuse. It is times like these that I feel I could write forever. It's a good feeling. I feel a am very responsible with my money and credit for the first time in my life I wish it had been like this 5, 10, 15, even 20 years ago. It was like I had to retrain myself. Even with amazon, clothes, books, and cigarettes and alcohol., Of course not paying rent for the last 5 years and now no car payment or insurance helps out a lot. I could afford a new Fold phone, and I probably will get it before next year. Vegas is first. That is my final Descon. I like my studio apartment and feel safe here. Well, most of the time. It's not the apartment or people that doesn't make me feel safe like Stepdown. It's more like me and being alone.