Journal September 27, 2024 (2)

 Mark came over and stayed half the night. He got me to thinking about cruises and Bahamas packages. Which were over $3000 a person. It got cold. turned on the heater. i was doing pretty good and then started feeling depressed as I looked for  palace to go in June. Prices were all inflated. Weighed myself and found out I gained weight. made a drink, the last of the kalua and dropped the bottle in the trash can some broke. Started to edit Lilly and take out the Lilly's. thy are so many. It got boring quick. Started thinking about work and started having imaginary conversations with Kylen. Jimmy was Jeri's favorite, and she talked to him more than she ever did me. I saw it from the very beginning. It was almost a grantee he would be on the homeless side long. I could do case managing myself on the side at least with the county and city list. Don't know about the vouchers. I'm sure it's just as simple. i have been in dead end jobs my whole life because of my lack of an education as well as a brain. No matter how hard I try I cannot change that. Way too many self-help books read. Too much hope. The system remains the same. I can see my writing getting better but very slowly. I swear I could teach writing better than I can write myself. If I look back to when I started to the man in the park. I can say I have come a long way. 15 books. Though not the greatest or best written. Still, I have done alto of writing. They dent sell and if imp lucky I make $5 a month. Life can be so depressing at times. Alisas hugging Miranda and her not wanting to let go and never hugging me hurt deep. As well as Juanita getting all goo eyes over stupid dough.  I think of paying off USSA. $2300 that going to take a bite out of my checking accounts. Sometimes i think half or $1500. Other times i believe the best thing is to pay it off. Paod surge. Watching Netflix helps my boredom. I wonder if I get any credit for any of my idea internally. It doesn't seem so. The distance from me and Jeri still continues to broaden. Everybody locus Jimmy and I am so jealous. I am thinking of trying Oxnard college if just for writing and something to do. I still feel compelled to stay in my apartment. Not leave my safe spot. I feel like crying at times. I am running out of goals, and it saddens me greatly. Planning the trip to Oregon makes me happy. The idea of writing these journals always helps me immensely. It's the same whoever I talk to. Their case manager is working on putting them on a list, so they say but no one's know what list. There is no transparency. I wider if the rescue mission is getting paid like the salvation Army and Good Samaritano. It would make sense though they would never admit it. And there is no way for me to find out. I must keep on paying off my balances in full. If I need money, I can always use my credit card. I check every day to make a payment. Las Vegas will be a turning point. A goal reached. A new Level. I made it to Las Vega's and can mark that off my list. Maybe I'll go again maybe I won't. Then the 24-hour train trip in a sleeping car to Portland and flying back. Perhaps I could go to all states and make that a goal.  I went to Bakersfield several times as it was cheap, and I was homeless. I then went to San Luis cause again it was cheap and need a place to drink. I went to LA area because I wanted to go to a Embassy Suites like I always did and did it. Done. Now I am going to Las Vegas in October only a few weeks away. Done. Then in November to Oceanside. Not sure about San Diego for |New Years eve. Really decided on Portland in March and my train ride.