Journal September 30, 2024

 There have been some changes, I felt after the bike accident. I have all this junk, anger, jealous over Jimmy being promoted to case manager. I'm up in the morning though I feel tired now. I made an appointment to see my doctor. I think a lot has happened in my mend of subconscious between the time I started doing my journals, self-therapy, anger netters. I no longer have the anger up front with woman. Jealousy yes. Desire yes. depression and sadness yes. Regret yes. I have decided that after Vegas and Ocean side. Just two trips a year. It has been gunning a habit that I dent need. First because I was homeless 2nd because of stepdown, having a day off and drinking. Now I have days off and can drink. My next 3 trips I have planned our bucket list and to check out the area. Since I haven't been to oceanside in over 24 years. Not needing to carry a bottle to the hotel not saying I won't. But not needing to and stay drunk and sleep will be different. It will I believe bring changes to me as well. Each week with my two days off is different. I am different. The therapy is working. Planning on applying to Oxnard community college and just take one English course at a time. This is actually part of my retirement plan to many years ago. Even though I am not technically retired. On my days off and at night sometimes I feel like I am retired. Letting goes of the stress. I know I will probably not kiss another girl, touch a female breast or stick my finger un a vagina again. I am still working on accepting this. I of course feel slighted again with Jimmy being promoted over me again. He is not qualified, and no other company would hear him as a case manager. He has no qualifications. It is only because he is from the program and is well liked by everybody. I really do not know why. He is going to be in afro a big surprise. Maybe his linebacker personality and his ego will carry him through. I will be very surprised if it does and see him either coming back or leaving the mission within a year or less. My job time stands at two years. Let's see if I can beat that at the mission. I can go nowhere through and make more money or work less. Again, staying put in the same police and job is so hard for me. Again, it would make me a changed person. Mark will never learn. He will either die or be sent to prison or before he lets go of Christine. Men and this disease some call love. What a horrible curse God has bestowed on us.

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