Journal 17, 2024

 Tuesday September 17, 2024

This is the second day of journal writing. I have made many changes since yesterday. Worked on the bus ride. It is a mess. I cannot redo my writing. It is just messed up. Chris came over and put my desk together. Navy federal paid. Downloaded my pictures from google photos and made them my screen saver. Trying to stop desensitizing my way from woman. The bigger desk is much better. Am even thinking of using the google photos as props for writing instead of woman. It is a thought. Drank some last night. Realizing I don’t feel as sick or poop as much or have diarrhea or soft stool as I did at stepdown. Living there was killing me. Took a bike ride last night to the beach. Still researching new electric bikes and Samsung fold 6 phones. Almost made plans to Florida for Christmas. Thought of Hawaii and even Puerto Rico. I have a $350 credit with southwest. Not as much as I thought. That flight to Virginia was cheap. My get away to Las Vegas and Oceanside is approved and taken care of. Might prepay Hilton for trip to Oceanside. Since it is approved, and train ticket bought. Listening to meditation tape now. Feel I made strides in the last two days. Need to wash some clothes today. Broke two plates. Found out I can get a voucher after a year. Want a bigger place closer to the beach. Still thinking about getting a bus pass and going to bowling alley. Still want to quit smoking and wonder why I am so tired. Ordered a new pair of Bluetooth ear things instead of buying phone. It seems that my thoughts of getting things done by time periods are weekly and biweekly. Tied to my paycheck and days off. I am getting more adjusted though still have a way to go about not being homeless. I still feel I wished people would have left me alone. My sister, my babysitter, my stepfather. If they had just left me alone and let me grow on my own, I would have been so much better off. I even feel if I was adopted or abandoned like others, I would have been so much better off. If only God had let my sister be an only child like she wanted. I still want to stay at the rescue mission for 5 years. I have never been like this before with no need for food, money, have money to pay rent. Have credit cards. Etc. It hard to imagine having to live most of my life struggling and trying to survive always in a fit of trauma and flight risk. I don’t have to leave for the first time in my life. I don’t have to run. There is no better place for me now except for snow and warm ocean water. These things I need to remember and keep mentioning to myself. The world is okay for the first time in my life. The world is safe. I wish this could have happened years and decades before. It is fair that I had to wait 50 years for this to happen. But life isn’t fair. I think of when I might die now. Not that I am worried or upset about it though that it could happen, and I would have had so little time to feel safe and enjoy what time I have left. I wish I had done so many things different like taking algebra, typing, not married jeanette or left her soon after. Waited for Carri, asked Carrie out, had sex with Wendy, Jessica stayed in |California the first time. I am thinking about moving to Oceanside. The water is 10 degrees warmer than Santa Barbara and 10 degrees colder than Florida. Starting to look forward to |Vegas. Plan on taking a $1000 credit card with me and dinner, shopping, gambling. Not taking bottles of alcohol with me on my trips anymore. There is really no need. Need to call the hotel in Oceanside about bike and add it to ticket for Amtrak. I am writing not deep thoughts but things I have done, accomplishments or things I need to do. Ot is only the first today of course. We’ll have to see what happens. I feel the need to talk. Talk to someone. Someone to listen. To be heard.