Journal September 23, 2024

 Today or rarer last night was very upsetting and stressful. First with the many different dreams I had following myself therapy work. My journals and anger notes and understanding what happened with my girlfriends and why I can't seem to get any anymore. It was my sister and families' fault. They ruined me for life.  Yes, you can blame your parents. No matter what anyone says and you caregivers. They shall carry the pain, hurt, abuse and damage they did to me to the grave. It is not always an insure of forgiveness. It is more of an issue of understanding and letting go of the anger you have against them. Freeing yourself from it. You can never into the damage they did. They are ingrained like any other computer program. Trust me I have tried to reprogram myself for decades. You can do a little, but a lot cannot be changed. The woman basically in my childhood and family destroyed me for any future woman. Any possible like of love, sex and happiness. They ruined me. Treating someone stupid makes them stupid. Treating someone like a child makes them a child. Treating someone as ugly makes them ugly. The only thing they couldn't take away was my writing talent and my drive to read and survive. I can ask God to forgive them though for some reason I cannot. I cannot forgive myself for not having the right programming to attract, have sex, love or keep girls or relationships so how can I forgive them for making me this way. They all had great lives, great sex, relationships and I the opposite. If I could forget I could forgive. O truly wish I could do both, but I cannot do either. Then the issue with the washer and my adding $75 to my washer account. Then I ran out of vodka last night. I can understand morel that it was me who couldn't take advantage of the woman that wanted me to fuck them. All because of my sister more than anyone. My mother set me up for Bridget and john and threes nothing I can do about the past. I do need to stop thinking of leaving Santa Barbara and the rescue mission and staying at hotels knowing that those things no longer make me happy or full a need. What things do or will I have no idea besides my writing. Buying food so a will never run out. I can't get any more credit cards until mu inquiries are gone. 2 years. So that plans have to be out on hold. Going to Las Vegas and Oceanside. Wish I didnt feel like shit some much during the day. Wish I could lose weight. Wish I could be happy. I do not know what God has in store for me. What will happen in the next year or even by Christmas. Each week seems to bring me more understand and loss of hope.