Journal September 19, 2024

 Thursday September 19^th

 

Today was more of an ordinary day then most except my typing has gone crazy and I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like writing about john and don’t want to. I feel better after I recovered from yesterday.   I am not looking forward to the weekend. Yes, I am hateful toward Abilgail for getting the job and know the only reason is because she has a master's degree. Not because she is a woman, black or a lesbian. I am not thinking of retiring in Puerto Rico. Going there is such a long flight. Just for a week and even more expensive. Guam is out. I applied or rather filled out the form for my passport today and printed out the documents which was a surprise that I did it except of just thinking about it. It is hotter today then yesterday. Feel doing this work is better then writing porn and feel less need to masturbate. Also listening to panic, grief and inner child meditation is helping. Favoring Christina crazy lately over Rhonda and she isn’t very anyway and a drug addict. $3500 in my accounts. Jimmy doesn’t understand having a rich girlfriend is the same as having a poor one. He doesn’t understand but thinks he does. This journal may be hard pressed for two pages. Frankie didn’t show up sent Chris for cigarettes and Johnny did the restroom and tracy. Felt tired as soon as I came home. | don’t know why. Decided against phone now and bike. The passport application made today a productive day. Still want to fuck Christine and can just picture her sucking my cock or laying bed while |I fuck her and she sqyurms and shakes. She has great legs. Brain damaged or not. Found out today she gets $100 a week.  Feeling tipsy.  Not sure what will happen tomorrow. Now I must continue this therapy as I see changes in what I do and feel. Didn’t wear tenner shoes to work today and wore boots. Felt better. About myself. Probably wear boots with black pants tomorrow. Jimmy is hinting again about my new job like taking over his responsibilities which I strongly doubt. Used to think it was labeled doughty. Yes, I am still angry at pussy and them getting everything and expecting it for free. I have been angry about that and the injustice since | can remember.  And then they bate us for it. Received new headphones did not try them out yet. I am starting to feel bored. Thinking of staying at her home more and more for Christmas and New Years. I am feeling there is no reason or place to go. Big soft poop today. Not as soft or as much as at stepdown. I am angry for not being married to a normal woman. Should have waited for Carri but how long should |I have had to wait. At least past jeanette. I don’t think she ever wanted to get married. Messed her. What would have happened if I waited. Oh regrets. This journal not going very well. I knew this would happen. I am now thinking of masturbation and stories to cover up the pain of regret. What can I say.

Now that I have a job and a apartment. I have nothing to work on. No goals or aspirations, I don’t have to leave which in many ways means I can’t. I mean I could have stayed in Maryland and at Kohls. Lost my car after losing my job at the army base. I could have walked to work. I could have. Not sure if my rent was$300 every 2 weeks. I miss that apartment in Norfolk. I miss Norfolk. West Virginia where I visited would be nice and even Richmond, I Love the town or the memories. Is really the question I should be Asking. If I can build my Credit Card and experience must stay in Santa Barbara. My goals are still the same. Moved, thistledown and found out I Was on my 2ndp age. oh good. I hate this desire for pussy as much as I do if only my sister could have left Maloney drinking and my writing is showing its effects. What disservice God gave us to us manmade buries but too hot to eat. Very tired. I am wondering what the end of the year will bring. Keep listing my accomplishments. Said can’t apply for credit for two years/too tipsy to write anymore. Okay I corrected my mistakes and ate a burrito. Am only writing this to Ad Words. And more sober as food soaks up alcohol. Thinking of noy buying Kukula anymore. My passport has been my biggest accomplishment this week and probably will still be, three more days. I like Denise. And again.