Journal September 18, 2024

 Wednesday September 18, 2024

This is my third day of journal writing. I am doing this right after work. Want to make this a daily activity currently instead of jumping into a story. Fix my drink, put pizza in oven and cigarette. And write. I am stuttering again with my self-therapy. Wrote about Bridget last night. Wanted too pukka but couldn’t. New phone too expensive. Iron bike with two headlights too heavy. Today felt like a Monday. Realize I have a hard time sitting down. Sitting still. Now I feel safe here. Not sure if I’m going away for Christmas or new year realizing or trying to accept that things about me will never change or think that I can change them. Melody baker is back surprised I goth federal housing before her. She is ore disabled then me and ore of a veteran. Feel Jeri’s idea won’t work case management is never there now. She has grand plans. Abigail is a joke. Need to get away from pictures but can I really. I’m feeling about writing angry letters to john, but I don’t want to. Its only supposed to be about woman. But Io feel my inner child wants to write about him. My mom and my father. They weren’t part of the deal. It is October now. Almost. I felt regressed or rather uncomfortable in my clothing like I did in high school and middle school. I felt like that all the time before. I looked fine. I even got a compliment from Miranda. I didn’t feel fine. I was fine, I just didn’t feel fine. Thinking I need to keep going for two pages. It’s better to write when you have nothing to say rather than lots to say.  Opened the pickles today and put a pizza in the oven. I am bored again as I have been most of my life. Nothing to work toward. I have a job. I have an  apartment. I have money and credit cards. Still need to get rid of premier. They are the next ones on the list. Think after I pay off USAA. I might get a new bike. The phone is too expensive. Right now. I want more like I always have. Juanita is back. There is much to do and much to learn. I am now running out of things to say. I want to buy more. Might go clothes shopping but where and for what. Ordered a new pair of headphones. So here | am writing down my thoughts and what happened today and what I hope for tomorrow which I feel is a good thing. What is next as I write more. Oi have less to say Since I am writing non sex, I feel I can put this on blogger. That is what I am thinking under my writing name Michael fisher. So, no one can connect these writings to the real person. So, what am id doing now. I feel that the world isn’t changing fast enough, and I wan to go back in time to the 70’s and 80’s if only I could Wondering what I can buy. My two shirts are stained. Need to shout them out. Going to oceanside for thanksgiving. Maybe go to a different town each holiday. In California. Each Holiday. But where for Christmas don’t really want to fly or do I? Thoughts are keeping me imprisoned. I started the bus ride but not sure how to fix it. Maybe just accept it how it is. Maybe look for new inner child meditations or shad Helmstetter. I need to work on my issues and understand. I am getting more enthused about Las Vegas. I probably will do anger therapy letters john is my mind. I don’t want to but that is the reason I should do it. 

I want to leave though no I won’t and would be the greatest mistake of my life. Like marrying jeanette. Here we are at one page though feel to stop writing would be a disservice to myself. I must write more. 2 pages. I wonder if I ever get to 5 pages. Who knows. I am starting to enjoy this writing but again it is only the third day. This is better than writing about lesbians.  Kylen came and talked to us today. Since Jeri and Abigail were in a meeting. I am starting to give food out after meals.  It is my new thing. I am wondering how these things will go and don’t plan to read these notes until 30 days after written. The best assets in my life right now are my job, my apartment, my credit cards. My credit score is immortal currently. It will only matter after I pay off my loans and take another one. Or after two years when my 22 credit inquires are gone. Trying to stay up later and not go into porn. Maybe work up to go to bowling alley on days off. That is my new goal. Not really interested in movies alone. Rather go bowling. What will I buy? Jave shirts. Plenty of jeans. Women seem very conscious of covering their breast. As everyone knows you have then what is the big deal. You know guys have no choice but to look at them and you wear clothes that show them then you try to cover them up. What’s the deal. Sow term or not. Men’s eyes are still going to look for your nipple. We can’t help it. Our brains are designed that way. It is not our choice. Just like having breasts or herds nipples are yours. Or are dicks getting hard is ours. Sex may feel good, but it doesn’t mean we want it depending on our abuse or programming, but we are expected to want it and go after it regardless of it our fault we were born men or you woman. But we are blamed for being male though not you females. We are the bastards, and you are weak. Bullshit! What a code of cork. Many women are bastards and laugh and float over men who aren’t what other men they know are. Woman just sit there and get all the satisfaction without any of the work. They can’t even give themselves a orgasm but waiting for the man to fuck them and give them pleasure. They are too lazy to even touch their own pussy to give themselves satisfaction. And we the male is to blame. Fuck that shit. If I had a pussy Id play with it for sure. Raste, it licks, feel it and enjoy it. Is it my fault that woman wait for men to give them pleasure and when the man is exhausted and dies from over work. The woman is pissed when she kills him seriously. Okay got that out. That was robin who refused to touch herself and was angry at her man for driving while she was in the bedroom waiting for him. Wouldn’t even touch her prissy. Waiting for a guy to g9ive her pleasure. Yes, very lazy. In sexual pleasure. Then she got married while waiting for the perfect man with the right income to woo her and fuck her. Woman are called birches for a reason. Mainly that they do Bitch!! Men rant batches unless their black or gat as they don’t bitch!! Okay this is getting harder writing two pages. Wearing myself down. Maybe tomorrow.