Journal September 21, 2024

 Today is my second for blogger. Today was hard. I realize now my porn, stories, pictures and masturbation is a result of my trying not to feel my pain. Burying my addiction, feelings and abuse. I feel I must fight against it in all I do. And can. On another note, someone called at work and said they were qualified. i felt like asking them who qualified them. And if they are indeed qualified, why are they homeless. The more I see these people the more I believe that they don't want to be housed.  Just like most smokers, drinkers and druig addicts do not want to quit thier addiction. Money, health or sickness isnt enough  reasons for them to quit. They know they are going to die anyway. Why die miserable when they can die happy. Good point. If you follow their logic. A;; three were doomed when they took the first drag of the ciggereyye that first high from that drug. And alcoholic when he found he felt better drinking then when he didnt. I dont exactly feel better with drinking . Smoking yes. Drinking helps me sleep and I like the taste. I like to drink. But if I am in a position or siutuation where |I cant. I can stop. Ort not drink. S,okoing is much harder and painful. This therapy causes me pain, brings back the stuttering, but the but is it helps me stop the masturbation need for porn and need to write porn and look at pictures which makes me happioer bewcause I am ashame dof it and know it is not normal. No matter how much anger I have at woman or God for giving me this affliction and disease. I know loigically that is not woman in general or ewven God who gave me this disease but my abuse. By my family memebrsa. What Goid made beautiful People and satan made ugly. As i writew this i think of Leslie without a bra every morning and showing me her nice nice hards nipples. Damn I wouyld like to fuck her and see her topless. With my lucj she doesnt shave. Really what homeless girl does. I enjoy giving out the left over food and will continue doing that. The good news is that my journals are different day by day which tells me I am growing and progressing. It has movced from my thoughts and daily activities to more. I still feel like shit in the morning during the day and was really freaking over christine. I really like her and love seeing her legs and those small breasts when I do down her shirt/ Tints of red like christine who i favor and know well maybe shes not a virgin. i truly doubt that. Anyonme her age and homeless and with her mental challenges as a virgin. It is possible I suppose  it is possibl;e. I favor gabereilla also. Both like hispanics and wonder I might have a chance with denise. Maybe. Wouldnt that be ironic.  Denise being the fiorstr girl I really fucked and ate out. Not as pretty or big as titties. of course one was 21 and the other is 30 or 40. But still it would be. I am changing my meditation. I am so glad that christine made it back. Sad thast she goes to a methadone clinic. History of drug abuse and brain damage definitewly not  a vvirgin. I can picture as i repeatred befdore on the bed and me fuicking her or shoving my cock in her mouth and down her throat. Im sure she would enjoy both. I still think of leaving as  I am sure \i will always do. I have $4000 in cash more then I did when I went to florida befdore and $11000 in credit for a toall of $15000 much so much more then when I went to florida. I couold do it again or try it again. I have a job unlike before that isnt ending. I have a aprtment with a possible section 8 voucher in a year. Again what i didnt have. True i would pay les rent in florida but there is always the job question and this is guaranteed this housding. It is very different and |I have aqcuired stuff and dont want to go back to a homeless shelter and drift during the day. Its different I am diffewrent. I am safe now thougfh I feel scareed. I do not know the future or where I will be at thew end of the year or even aftrewr las vegas. a $1000 richer or poorer. And then there is Oceanside in Novemebr. I really should prepay the hilton to save money. need to think about that. So much coulkd still happen before dec. 31st. I want to write about all my girlfriends. Feel that could helkp. I think.,