Journal 9--20-24

 Today starts mt new journal, on blogger. I lost my last few days on word. Today I realize I need to stop drinking every day. I tried an anger letter to john, and it didn't go well and kept going back to my sister and mother. It's not that I don't feel anger. Maybe it's more that I have more anger and hold the woman more responsible than the men. There are of course more men. My penis is starting to hurt again. The process is working and is good. i did my essay on housing the homeless. I find myself bored and need to find my mind occupied more and more. It is becoming harder to concentrate on this writing and becoming distracted by one thing or another. My mind began to open and feel then it closed.  Continuing to work on grief and panic meditations. Decided that I am going to stop doing morning announcements as I can see that the woman is ignoring me. Christine claims she is a virgin and perhaps she is against men and sex but has a picture of her so-called platonic boyfriend. A Hispanic. I have no loans for the weekend. I want to go to bowling alley Monday or Tuesday. Still don't need to be clothes/jeans. Waiting for coffee from Walmart on Sunday. Continuing to look at bikes on amazon. Tried on some tight swim trunks. Way to tight. Going thru shorts and packing them up for winter. Why am I talking about clothes and avoiding the real issues at hand. Like the real reason behind my writing porn and masturbation is my pain brought on by the pain brought to me by woman and anger I feel against them that I can't let go. I want to exceed expectations at work and do my best job also. At Dignity and at the Mission. I am sure there are a lot of things that I could write about that would be more beneficial than washing clothes and popping popcorn. They just dent come to mind. It's like my subconscious doesn't want to them or allow them to come up and when they do my penis hurts, or I am distracted to do something eclose besides writing. I must still strive on. Will one thing or the other make me happier than the last. Truly what is happiness. Besides the idea of love, naked woman and other things associated with touching them like Christine and Miranda's nice legs. I need to make more goals. I feel stagnant and if I am not doing anything feel unproductive. It is so hard to sit still. Not that I am not allowed to but something inside of me wants to keep moving as if just sitting is such a waste of time and I might get in trouble for just sitting. Like I might be punished, and I can't just sit. That damn word just keeps popping up. People thought me last as a child. I wasn't allowed to be me. I had so much energy with add I was bouncing off the walls and something inside of me was punished for not sitting still and then punished for sitting still. When all I wanted to be was left alone. If I had the drive in my mind not my body in middle and high school now, I would have graduated a lot higher, gotten better grades and had taken algebra, science and typing. I was so busy trying to die from the abuse and surviving day by day. Trying to make it. That I gave up or was unable to do anything else. I wish I could go back and hold that child, that teenager. Tell him to try out for track or football, get involved and survive in other ways besides masturbation and living in his head. Take the hard classes and utilize his bored mind. Telling him that though people told him he was stupid, unintelligent and lacking a brain. That the opposite was true and instead of proving them write. he should go about proving him wrong. So much pain to feel and remember. What was lost and could have been had. Wrong turns and uncompleted. no trying and giving up. written like a book it would be a sad story not of failure to try. I have tried some things and succeeded. There are others I have failed. Some because I didn't try. Some because I was need by girlfriends like Susan and Jeanette who didn't want to succeed if it caused them discomfort or loss. They wanted me all to themselves whatever the cost to me. It is this that I wished to be left alone.