Journal (2) September 22, 2024

 It all started with my sister. And Patricia. This an extra journal after writing about jJrnny.Looking at my memories and wonder what went wrong. remembering that Jenny did like me in the beginning just like Wendy liked me in the beginning. How my sister ruined me with my mother. And my family. I wasn't normal and wasn't allowed to grow up naturally. I wasn't allowed to grow up naturally. i was imprisoned instead. Not sheltered but imprisoned. More so. I was not allowed to grow up as a boy, a male or a man. I only sought out the future. Tomorow hoping and thinking I would be free. not realizing not, I would never be free until I died. Perhaps that is why I do not fear death but look forward to it. I was fucked up when I met Jenny. not knowing I could touch her ass, touch her breasts or put my hand down her pants like or when she expected me too. Then when the time was over. I didn't know it was over and still wanted her love. her kisses mostly. With Wendy, she wanted me to fuck her. as was the first guy to make her cum that I am aware of. Sucking on her pretty small white breasts. not one freckles. i do not like freckles on breasts definitely a turn off. I should eaten wend out as well as carry and |Jessica. a didn't know or perhaps a was tined by bridged. in that respect. and her hairy pussy. Jenny never pushed my hand away not that my hand went anywhere. If Wendy took off her pants for me and talked about getting Pregent and said she wouldn't mind sucking my dick, why didn't I push her besides being abused by john ay the time. I tis so upsetting to remember these things and know that outwash i who was wrong uneducated, inexperienced. I should have fucked Jessica and Carri getting carried pregnant then we would have gotten marry and my life would have been changed forever. So much regret with woman. Not money or jibs. education dealing with my lack of a brain. It was about woman. My whole like has been about and around women. My addictions', my pain and my anger. All going back to when I was about 5-10 being sent to church every day and told what a horrible thing the penis is and males in general not about woman. Even that damn Nurse who talked to the girls but not the boys. Oh, how I hated that fat bitch. Not sorry at all when she died. I was okays with Robin and Patricia and then after that it is all downhill. I became a different person and only wanted to die except God wouldn't let me. It was then that my life changed forever and | sought to survive everyday by making stories. masturbating and more stores. Wanting to have sex just so i could mike better stories. No body cared if I was dead or alive except for God perhaps. He must have and was the only reason I am still alive to this day. Not letting me die and be done with this life. He gave john, my siter and Bridget suck better lives then me and I Alwal ways wiill wonder why. My tearage seems to have stropped it was good to get this out when it was fresh. I can't really blame windy, jenny, shelly (the redhead) I really loved her too. I seem to have a thing for pale redheads. Then there was Ralphs sister that I think liked me. He was a basket case. It always comes back to my sister. Her jealousy about me being born and having to share the money our father and mouther. I am sop fucking sorry I was born. I am so fucking sorry God put me with your family. You got your family now and i am now a part of it. I am hopefuls that you are so fucking happy. Ot always comes back to you. I feel I should apologize to the woman in my life. my past girlfriends. Patricia, Jenny, Wendy, Jessica, Carri. I probably should have fucked you all. That was what you wanted. Really. I was ill prepared. infilling by my programming as a real male. I was defective. I am so sorry my sisters fucked me up so much. It is not you who owe me an apology but I who owe you an apology. You were normal. You wanted to get fucked by as guy who knew how to fuck. Knew when to fuck you. Was programmed to fuck girl's and take you to the bedroom and fuck you properly. Not wait for permissions like i was taught. Programmed and told constantly. I'm such a fucking waste. it was such a fucking waste again you fucvking buitch!!!!!!!! Why couldn't you have just let me alone. Let me run in the street and be licked by a passing car like I always wanted. damn you. You got fucked. And got fuckled good lots of times by several men i am sure. But I was still a child even after you started living with your future husband even after i was married you still looked down upon me as a child. Telling people Ia was away of tame. You just wanted me out of your life and gone. I know you would have been happy if it was i who doffed and got hit by her uncle in steads of the pother little girl. You sinned against me I didn't sin against you. I never ever did anything to you to deserved what you did to me again and again and agarin and agarin and again and again. You fuck bitch! I truly hope you rot.