Journal September 16, 2024

 

Monday September 16, 2024

Today is the first day of my journal for the year 2024. It’s been a long time since I wrote a journal. I plan on going back to correct at least misspellings. A lot of rules will be written in this first post. I will try to make each post at least a page of thoughts and the goal is to do this daily as part of my self-therapy. I am still trying to quit smoking cigarettes. Quit drinking every day. I am also trying to accept that my writing prose will always include sex at least right now. That looking at pictures and poems on occasions are ingrained in me like being a nice guy and not attractive to woman. Maybe in a couple of years I will get a prostitute just so I can touch a woman, kiss, suck on her breasts, stick my finger in her pussy, taste a pussy once again. It has been at least 15 years since I had any type of sex with a woman. When I become impotent, I will blame on woman not wanting to have sex with me. I am starting to work on my anger issues. Listening to guided imagery, inner child meditations and HPP. My subconscious has had enough of my anger hpp tape. Thinking of switching to feeling better hope. Instead of doing a circle of tapes like before. I am listening to the same ones over and over like prescribed originally by the author. Chris is supposed to come over and build my new desk for me. I slept from yesterday till this morning. Still not wanting to get up. Correcting the spelling will reinforce what I write in my mind. I met with the manager of Johnson court and found out that my October rent is also paid for. Got my $250 from capital one and used it to pay my credit card. Plano taking $1000 with me to Vegas. Thanksgiving in Oceanside. Not sure yet about Christmas or New Years. Going to start using steps instead of the elevator when I don’t take my bike down. Got my plugs for electricity fixed. Reset. This journal will be very helpful to write down my thoughts and therapeutic. Maybe I’ll do this after work with my drink.  Waiting for food from medical. Sent Harry, s seed to Pakistan. Not going to have her upload any more books. She did a horrible job. Blender does not work well with just ice. I will see about ordering a ice crusher from amazon or wal mart. Reworking first chapter of “The bus ride”. My penis has been hurting me lately think its because I was doing therapy. Felt like throwing up when I felt a lot of anger and started doing meditations in that area. Going to try to stop doing or wanting to do so much in increasing things at work. Jimmy seems to be in the know now with Jeri and likes to remind me that I would be shocked at upcoming events and that I am no longer as close with Jeri. Like I needed to know this as I already know. I was surprised pleasantly that I didn’t owe a full month rent for October. Connected my checking account with housing authority. Writing or thinking of enough stuff to talk about or write about is not a easy task. One page is more than enough. Need to remind myself to take at least a 30 minute walk every day. Like to the mission, McDonalds, ralphs. Need to start walking to work though I really enjoy riding my bike. Havant seen or heard from mark lately which is a good thing. Feeling a lot safer in my new place. Don’t like the idea of Abigail being promoted to case manager. Know it’s just because she has a degree and know it’s just a resume builder for her. Not exactly looking forward to Vegas. O am, looking forward to October 5. My 1-year anniversary at the rescue Mission. Pretty sure Jeri hired me perhaps out of need though also pity and be nice.

I must accept the reasons whatever they are. It is better than a good Samaritan. More hours, a better working environment and more time off. Easier to take time off as well. Glad I am no longer at stepdown. I didn’t feel safe, and it was slowly killing me. I do not miss being there at all and the free food and rent was not worth the stress or triggers.