(Anger Notes) -1-

 Dawn

Dawn, I was only a child when I was born. A male child. A innocent child. I never meant to inflict myself on your life or be a burden to you. I am sorry you weren't an only child as I am sorry, I wasn't an only child. We would have both been a lot happier. I am sorry I wasn't born a girl. That would have made not only you, our mother though also our father. I know I wasn't wanted by any of you. Mom tried her best, not you. I believe you resented me the most. Ot seemed I had caused you great pain when i was born. Perhaps, O injured you in a past life. You were the princess of the kingdom and now you had to share with me. A mere boy. A male child. You treated me so badly and i only wanted your love. Like so many others. You made fun of me, you ridicule me. You caused me more pain then I can even remember. You put me down with all your friends. No matter how I matured, grew or aged. I was still a child to you. A pest. You even told me that I was adopted. I loved you and then wanted to hate you. You thought you were so much better then me, so much more intelligent. 

Part of my anger against/with woman is because of you. O was such a burden. I was not your child, I was your brother, your sibling. We were never friends. You never invited me over except once, later in life. You never gave ne your address in Florida. You never bragged about me to your friends, quite the opposite you condemned me. Put me down. Told them not to help me when I needed it. I was never invited over for Christmas or thanksgiving. You only wanted your family. Your family never included me. I was not part of your family when you got married. You never wanted me or desired me to be around. You would have been more happy if I had died or never born. These aren't my choices, though still I suffered because of them. 

You blamed me for having bad credit. You never helped me or instructed me in getting good credit. Never offering me advice or guidance. You never offered me help or guidance in anything. You had your boyfriends who paid your bills, I had no boyfriend or girlfriend to pay my bills. You put me down even when our mother gave you everything. A thousand games, a new bedroom set, dance lessons and modeling shoots. I gave you hears as jewelry begging for you love not your hate. Still I got nothing in return. I have memories of our grandmother abusing me as a baby as you watched. You knew our stepfather was abusing me yet you did nothing until you married a cop. Then you refused his early release to pay for my therapy. Not for me though you and your guilt. You operated as a whore and prositute with your boyfriends then looked down on me because I couldnt get a girlfriend or someone like you to fuck. I was still the child even after I turned 18. 

I still do not know what I did to besides being born. I have all this anger against knew and cannot get rid of it. Why did you hate me so much? I wish I knew. I only wanted a sister, a friend, a sibling, I am so sorry I was born, born late,born a boy and not a girl. As I have said I cannot change these things. It was not my idea that I am aware of to be born in your family. Perhaps i had agreed to it with God. I do not remember. If I agreed to it. Then so did you. You made fun of me with Tina. You embarrassed me. You failed to protect me when Mom married John. I was only a child. 10 years old. You were 14. Yet you cared not. I would have protected you had I been older. You only wanted me gone. You hated me sd much. From your hate I learned to hate as well. Resent, be jealous and angry. You were treated so much better. Not because you were born first though because you were born a girl. I was not born a girl. 

I was born a boy. You hated me not that I was born I feel more so because I was born a boy. I cannot change my gender for you or anyone else. I am who I am. All those guys that wanted to fuck you. 

All those guys that did fuck you. A dozen or more im sure. I could have been one of those guys if I wasn't your brother. You didn't treat them as you treated me. You didn't treat your own sons like you treated me. Why was I so different. You became my source figure along with our mother and Barbie. Who you chastised me for calling her that. In fact you chastised and made fun of everything I did or didn't do. Including how to hold a cigarette. What clothes to wear. I want to cut you out of me. I want to be better then you. Better without you. Better without my anger, resentment, jealousy and how God gave you a better life then me. Everyone was more important to you then me. Your “Family”, your friends, your boyfriends, your girlfriends, everyone. There was no congratulations, no that a boys. No thank you. No agreements. I have no happy memories with you, because of you. All bad. Chasing me. Yelling at me. Screaming at me. Abandoning me. Wanting me not to follow you. Embarrassing me. Making fun of me. Putting me down. Treating me like a child no matter what age I was.

You made me who I was. Who i cant change. Who i cant get rid of. I cant cut you out of my life like a cancer. You are one of the reasons I hate woman. I;m jealous of woman. I resent woman. Want and desire woman. You could have been my friend. Instead you choose tom be my enemy.