Ramble Writings

 Another day passes. It feels like a prison again. On an island with no way out or off. I ear not because i am hungry, though as there is nothing else to do. Smoke, drink, eat. I cannot not walk. A block of walking causes my lower back to hurt, my feet and then if I could further it would be had even to make it back. Companies in Santa Barbara continue to reject me. Love of money is not my evil or downfall. Woman or rather the need or love of woman is the root of my evil. high while i partially blame God or my creator, more blame should be placed on my sister and for my mother. Or you could say being born in their family system. God should have allowed my sister to be an only child or at least given her two girls. It would have been better for us both.  I now wait for each day to end, each week and each pay period on unemployment. I have probaly applied to over 200 jobs. since being falsely terminated. The jobs I did qualify for I was mostly declined as I dont drive.  I l...

 Today seems the same as yesterday. Waiting for sleep, night and the next day. Bento Order. On a chicken kick now. massed egg salad, all 18 eggs. Thinking of doing clothes. Yesterday was a bad day. becoming present. Ran out of cigarettes, pulled out the nicotine gum. Ran out last night. held out till 9:00 am this morning. Seeing that woman and their beliefs and individual though gender based. Perhaps if I was born in a strong male family I'd think differed ntly and see things differently. I was born in a male hated female strong family system. I would have been better for God to give my mother two sisters instead of one male and one female. With my sister female and my mother and father hating men with the kind of men my mother attracted. I was doomed from my birth. True it could have been worse. It could also have been better. The interesting things all women feel about men as a gender and felt it seems by all women. All men want to fuck them. Which isn't true. Not even if the...

 Today is Sunday, I have done a lot of research toward Rochester, NY. It's now between Richmond, Va and Rochester NY. Plane flights are still very cheap for one-way tickets. I dent plan on being able to leave for at least 2 years. The minimum wage is only a $1 less an hour in NY then California. tried to quit smoking again. It can be done. I need someone or something. Got a critique of my writing telling me how bad of a writer I am. I do not plan to write anymore stories to publish. Hoping to fix the other stories and get them rewritten. No longer feeling the dread of the first month of being unemployed. Still feel sacrificed as always. My thoughts of woman make me wonder what really happened in the garden of Eden that makes woman so angry with men.  In many aspects I cannot really change or make any plans beyond today until I get the security class and apply for my guard card and get a new job. My plans to leave California because of the high cost of living has forced me to m...

Old goals of implants, a girlfriend/wife, good job has been trashed again like many of my goals. The bestselling novel is definitely not going to happen.  new goals include paying off 10,000 Creditcard debt. 3,000 small loans. Keeping up with my payments on unemployment. Losing 100lbs. Moving to Rocester Ny. The minim wage versus Santa Barbara and Rochester is only a $1. Getting work as a security guard is also possible in Ny as well as working with the homeless. Still working on getting security guard cad guard in California and then getting a Kob. The plan while changing still has consistency. The credit plan is done. I now only need to pay them off and cancel several with monthly fees. The need to lose 100lbs is a top priority with finding a job. Drinking more and smoking. Losing wieght is most important. On the low carb diet.  I expect to see where I am at one the first check from security guard job comes through and then by end of year. I am changing the 5 year plan to th...

 Pfund out that Jonney and Miranda will probably hooking up soon. so sad his getting into her pants and not mine. Lots of fb videos on girls offering their pussies and bodes to complete strangers. Must be nice to have such power and choice. Men got so cheated at creation it's not even funny and we weren't even the first to sin. It's not fair at all. Oh, if only I was born with a pussy how my life would be different.  My penis pain persists. No passport I was declined. Had to take the chance. Decided I need to stay in California until I retire. It was a hard choice to make but needed. Since my social security benefits went up 50 percent in the last 3 years. So, I have no choice as I know I will get two raises a year. better than I can expect from any other job. I am seriously thinking of buying a boat when I retire and move back to Florida. Dock it at the Marina. I am looking at a $20,000-to-30,000-thousand-dollar boat. Right now, I am eligible for a $4000 loan.  The begin...

 Today was different. Feel like trazadone is helping. Want to my manicure and pedicure. Neck and shoulders massaged. It was great still feeling after glow. Havant written in two days. Jimmy texted about bug day/ He just can't let go. High on power trip. not looking forward to new changes. No more lazy days for me or running around. It's going to be definitely different. Not really looking forward to it. I am accepting that I will not get a girlfriend again. t is a pain I mut accept. I had the wrong programming and there is nothing I can do to change it. I have changed a lot and gotten a lot more of my original personality back, but it is not enough. Paod all my bills for the month except USA. Got unity shop set up and ordered from butcher's shop. We'll see how it works out. Going to do the spa at least every 4 weeks. Looking for launder services now. Mark is so undependable.