June 26, 2025

 In many ways I was right in my thinking as a child, teenager and young adult. Many other guys were given a book, and I was not. Not that I knew at the time that the book I wasn't given was modeling, programming or able to be myself without restrictions, imprisonment or negative reinforcement by my family and my family system along with my abusers which I have included my sister. I wasn't allowed to have what many other boys/guys had, and woman don't need. It is sad that I have fought, struggled and questioned not only my bonds, my handcuffs, my chains as well as my sadness, anger, grief and despair. Heare i am near 60 and have accomplished little but a series of going from job to job, industry to industry, state to state. Through time I have given up on many things, dreams, aspirations and beliefs or/and possibilities. I have given up on another wife, a girlfriend, college, a career, happiness, love vacations, money and everything else that life is made up of.

I merely now walk, breathe, drink and smoke to make it through each day and night. Dreading to sleep, dreading to awake. Regretting a thousand choices in the past that anyone different choice could have changed my life forever. Any one dsu, any one moment. Any dream or wish. I have never been able to live in the present only in the future. A future that never came. It is not that I do not like life or look forward to death. It is only that I dislike my own life not life itself. I may not look forward to death except as a end of this life in which nothing is ever right, and everything is wrong. I feel no sadness for death of people and instead look toward their glorious, purpose driven life. Not the turburlent, troublesome, strugglespem life like my own.

Like the girl in houston who had the ove of her fmily and the young guy in Gainesville had the cancer card and his pick of any girl he wanted to take home with him. Life was freat no matter how short. Cursed by birth, first with my family, then my wife and my son who never saw me a shis father because of my wife. My prayers give me no answers.  Only an ability to not jump off the bridge and contine another day, day by day.

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