June 25, 2025

 Another day passes. It feels like a prison again. On an island with no way out or off. I ear not because i am hungry, though as there is nothing else to do. Smoke, drink, eat. I cannot not walk. A block of walking causes my lower back to hurt, my feet and then if I could further it would be had even to make it back. Companies in Santa Barbara continue to reject me. Love of money is not my evil or downfall. Woman or rather the need or love of woman is the root of my evil. high while i partially blame God or my creator, more blame should be placed on my sister and for my mother. Or you could say being born in their family system. God should have allowed my sister to be an only child or at least given her two girls. It would have been better for us both. 

I now wait for each day to end, each week and each pay period on unemployment. I have probaly applied to over 200 jobs. since being falsely terminated. The jobs I did qualify for I was mostly declined as I dont drive.  I look forward only to days I recieve free food, go to food bnk, do blood work or doctor visits. I get excited when I see an old friend.. Feeling energized when I push myself out the doot and see people. Sometimes the sun is to bright and I need sunglasses My sleep pattern goes from night to day week by week.

I cannot seem to write. Am maxing my credit cards out again. I have retired another pair of pants. One pair that was to lose is now tight. I think of William at the mission who feels doomed as he was told he had no purpose. He thinks it as a disease. I have no purpose. Having already had a son and married. Doubtful I will again. Jealous of the tv actors on Netflix and their careers. Not having a job for more than two years. Going from industry to industry. Wanting to quit drinking and smoking but a cannot. I need these filters to get through each day. All I want to do is sleep and am saddened when I awake. I try to justify my life as I haunt done drugs, been arrested, had a DUI, raped, killed or molested anyone. Tried to help people and rescued them at the cost of not my soul though myself. I wish to leave California like every other place except for Maryland and Virginia. The 10-year plans go to the 5-year plan to the 2-to-3-year plan.

I may seek death if only from my current life not life itself. Like Paul says I get knocked down and I am down now. Wondering where i will be or doing when I manage to get up. I cannot leave California until I get a section 8 voucher and then Virginia today. Portsmouth to Richmond to Rochester and back to Portsmouth. Hopefully i out live my wife.  I will not be writing to publish any more books. Only the ones I have written to be edited, rewritten and completed. I wait for this year to end as it is much worst with less accomplishments then the last. My biggest move this year's finding a job and switching to an iPhone in September.